I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
I know it's anime porn but I promise you the guy looks like Fred Durst
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
Randomize
