I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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