i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
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