got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
Randomize
