We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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