My boss' voice literally gives me gas
best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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