I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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