I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
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