he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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