He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! Itโsa long weekend and a holiday weekend and itโs Americaโs birthday! So donโt short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP ๐๐๐๐
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