I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
Soooo my gf got the droid and doesn't have BBM anymore, I think its over for her
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Randomize
