This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
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