Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
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