Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.