my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
my nick name has gotton too long over the years..C.T.P.S.G.F.P.G.......cock tease private school groupie frat party groupie.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
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Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
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So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.