The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
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I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
16 People Who Have Raised The Bar For Petty Revenge
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.