I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
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just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
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Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet