If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
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