On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Randomize
