tell your sister to shave her snatch
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
