You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
Randomize
