I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
