I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
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