Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Randomize
