Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
