I only kidnapped one of them. chill
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
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my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
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You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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