I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
So yes, he's hot, a scorpio, an artist and a perfect cock. I think my bi train just arrived in gay town.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
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