Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
am i morally bankrupt?
no. its just the recession
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
