I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
Randomize
