You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
Randomize
