Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
Randomize
