so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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