Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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