If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
Randomize
