This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
Randomize
