overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
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