You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Randomize
