Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
I wish there were birth control emojis
Think of all the island guys I could have. Ah well.
You can not bait me into a "how Stella got her groove back" call and response.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Randomize
