Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
Randomize
