i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
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