My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Randomize
