I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
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