I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
