my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
