Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
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