i don't plan on having that self control this summer
My Higher Power is John Stamos
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
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