I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
Every concussion has its silver lining
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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