are you still at the devil's house?
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
Randomize
