just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
