first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
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