everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
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