Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
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Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
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