unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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