I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
What drink are we having for lunch?
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
