i need an iv and a liver transplant
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
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