Yo I charged a $20 breakfast to ur room, will pay u back in liquor and schoolgirl panties, thx again for a fun time
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
