Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
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