My girlfriend figured out who you are.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
