I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
you had me at cake vodka
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
Randomize
